Apps for Sluts
Before we get started, did you know that AppWhore is actually a defined term on Urban Dictionary? Now you do.
I’ll forgive the gendered name of this app because I enjoy its utility, but PartyBoy is a surprisingly useful app that helps to sort out all those mystery numbers you pick up when you start getting slizzard and flirty. All this app really does is sequentially orders all the phone numbers you have put in your contacts in an effort to help you jog your memory when you’re wondering “Who the hell is Hans and when the hell did I get his number and is this the Hans I met on Friday or the Hans I met on Monday?” Of course this app doesn’t really help my most common problem, which is actually hearing people’s names and functionally typing them into my phone…so Polo Shirt, French Guy, Hottie, Darko or Douche, if you’re reading this, shoot me an email.
I have no tolerance for working out, I just can’t stand it and I’ll find any way I can around it. Right now these are my main outlets for physical activity: dancing, screwing and walking. I can at least use a pedometer to measure just how much of my margarita I burned off walking to the bar instead of ordering from the waitress, but how am I supposed to measure how much of those aphrodisiac oysters I’m burning off in the resulting sex. Enter eEmotion! Think of it like a sex pedometer. Just turn the app on, place it on the bed and it measures the number of thrusts, the vigorousness of said thrusts and approximately how many calories you burned in a session. I’ve yet to actually put this app into action but expect a full report when I do. Oh, and great companion app, Lose It, also counts sex as exercises and measures it by intensity and hours. You ladies keep your Zumba, I’ve got a whole new routine planned.
A personal study on who gets laid more: iPhone or Android
This week my pickup site of choice released a groundbreaking study that rocked the interwebs revealing conclusively that iPhone users get more tail than other phone users. Well (OkCupid) it would have saved you a lot of time to just come and ask me. However, many sites are decrying this study and pushing Android and Blackberry users to stand up and proclaim their playerdom. In the name of accuracy, I decided to take a more scientific look.
So, let’s personalize this study down a little bit and look at a sample group: Lady AppApp’s own OkCupid dates. Thankfully it splits nicely into an even number, with equal representation of iPhone and…well, other users (you already know one is a..shudder..blackberry.)
Now, Lady AppApp isn’t in the habit of kissing and telling, but since this is for the sake of science we’ll anonymize things a bit. Thus far what my personal study says, unfortunately, contradicts the OkCupid results. Although I can’t speak to their lifetime number, I can say that as Lady AppApp’s numbers stand, it’s a 1 to 2 ratio of iPhone to other (though one of these iPhoners is new in the study, we’ll see if the data fluctuates in the coming weeks….so to speak.)
This study continues to elicit the question: do iPhone users have more sex, or do more opportunities for the sex present themselves because these people have iPhones. Although my own OKcupid profile specifically states I have a sweet tooth for iPhone users, I’ve still found myself in the “opposites attract” scenario of loving a man who rolls his eyes when I ask if we can FaceTime. I have to think that it must be some quality of iPhone users that makes them more sexually charged than that iPhone is a panty dropper itself, even if other studies contradict the result.
You would probably get better sex advice by just buying the hooker a $2.99 coffee and picking her brain than you would by using (Cosmo Sex Position of the Day). Hearst magazines chair Cathie Black explained Cosmo’s sex-tips app to NPR and how it’s going to help save the magazine industry.
An app list for the ethical slut
Rock me like a hericane
Flipping the idea of menstrual apps, which is a timely discussion for me right now, my favorite blog Jezebel profiled the Code Red app which helps men avoid the (and I quote) “hericane” and strike while the iron is hot during the frisky ovulation period. So where as chicks read their app’s calendar as “these are my fertile days, better be sure to pack my Yaz” he’s thinking “score.” Methinks the boys should be getting rubber alerts on those days instead (and I better not find out that some of those calendar days are labeled with the tip “best days to bareback”.)